It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Jay the Painter, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling abnormally exasperated, Jay the Painter groped a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he realized that his beloved Book of Wisdom was missing! Immediately he called his parole officer, Melda the Brush. Jay the Painter had known Melda the Brush for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were electric ones. Melda the Brush was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... oafish. Jay the Painter called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Melda the Brush picked up to a very glad Jay the Painter. Melda the Brush calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies yawn before mating, yet legless puppies usually earnestly yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Jay the Painter. Why was Melda the Brush trying to distract Jay the Painter? Because she had snuck out from Jay the Painter's with the Book of Wisdom only six days prior. It was a electric little Book of Wisdom... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Jay the Painter got back to the subject at hand: his Book of Wisdom. Melda the Brush yawned. Relunctantly, Melda the Brush invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Book of Wisdom. Jay the Painter grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Melda the Brush realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Book of Wisdom and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if Jay the Painter took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, she had take at least nine minutes before Jay the Painter would get there. But if he took the Magic Canvass? Then Melda the Brush would be alarmingly screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Melda the Brush was interrupted by seven clueless Care Pandas that were lured by her Book of Wisdom. Melda the Brush panicked; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling worried, she recklessly reached for her live hand grenade and randomly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Magic Canvass rolling up. It was Jay the Painter.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Jay the Painter was out of the Magic Canvass and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Melda the Brush's front door. Meanwhile inside, Melda the Brush was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Book of Wisdom into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind her hammock. Melda the Brush was relieved but at least the Book of Wisdom was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Melda the Brush indiscriminately purred. With a hasty push, Jay the Painter opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering zealous...zealot in a spaceship,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Melda the Brush assured him. Jay the Painter took a seat excruciatingly close to where Melda the Brush had hidden the Book of Wisdom. Melda the Brush panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Jay the Painter was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Melda the Brush noticed a dimwitted look on Jay the Painter's face. Jay the Painter slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Melda the Brush felt a stabbing pain in her fingernail when Jay the Painter asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Book of Wisdom right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Jay the Painter's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Jay the Painter nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Melda the Brush could react, Jay the Painter skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Book of Wisdom was plainly in view.
Jay the Painter stared at Melda the Brush for what what must've been three minutes. Giggling like schoolgirl, Melda the Brush groped indiscriminately in Jay the Painter's direction, clearly desperate. Jay the Painter grabbed the Book of Wisdom and bolted for the door. It was locked. Melda the Brush let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Jay the Painter,' she rebuked. Melda the Brush always had been a little pestering, so Jay the Painter knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Melda the Brush did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at her or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his Book of Wisdom tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Melda the Brush looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Jay the Painter. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Jay the Painter. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Melda the Brush walked over to the window and looked down. Jay the Painter was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Jay the Painter was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Melda the Brush's place. Jay the Painter had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Pandas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Book of Wisdom. One by one they latched on to Jay the Painter. Already weakened from his injury, Jay the Painter yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Pandas running off with his Book of Wisdom.
But then God came down with His attractive smile and restored Jay the Painter's Book of Wisdom. Feeling angered, God smote the Care Pandas for their injustice. Then He got in His spaceship and jettisoned away with the fortitude of half a million spotted wolf hamsters running from a shrunken pack of disease-carrying chipmunks. Jay the Painter danced with joy when he saw this. His Book of Wisdom was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in six minutes his favorite TV show, , was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When legless puppies meet contraceptive'). Jay the Painter was elated. And so, everyone except Melda the Brush and a few malaria-toting spotted wolf hamsters lived blissfully happy, forever after.
